Don’t Mindread
We are all our own unique combination of genetics and experiences. It’s really easy to only come from our own frame of reference because that’s what we know. We are us. We are our genetics. We are our experiences. In counselling I hear so often people deciding for themselves what someone else thinks, feels or intended. Analysing it to its very core with only their own opinion to reach the conclusions.
If you want to know what someone thinks, feels, meant by something they said or what their motivations or intentions are: ASK!
Yes we can use intuition, the famous ‘gut instinct’ and of course we can make educated guesses but ultimately, you can save yourself a lot of pain and time by simply asking someone.
Come From I
When things are emotional or difficult for us in some way, our communication often shows our inner world. Often this isn’t in the ways we intend. We may deal with being hurt by being angry and lashing out. We may not be comfortable with asserting ourselves and so instead become withdrawn and distant.
One of the easiest changes you can make to your verbal communication is to come from ‘I’. Instead of sentences that seem accusatory such as “You make me angry” instead you can tackle the person’s behaviour, instead of them in their entirety. Re-phrase the above to “When you do X, I feel angry”. This sentence has a completely different quality to it. It’s owning your own feelings and challenges the behaviour, not the person.
Know Yourself
We all have triggers and different ways of relating and reasons for why we relate to others in those ways. Know yourself. Know your triggers. Know where you are within yourself and what is going on for you. Be curious, but NOT judgemental, about when something upsets you, makes you angry or makes you want to run and hide. Understanding ourselves and having insight into ourselves and our thoughts, feelings and behaviours and why we are the way we are, what drives us, upsets us, angers us, pushes our buttons and so on can change our relationships with others quite dramatically.
How many times have you had an argument with someone that feels like it came out of nowhere? One minute something small has happened and the next minute you’re in a full blown row. If you know yourself then situations such as these will reduce and you’ll be able to relate in healthier, calmer and more informed ways.
Know What Outcome You Want
When relating to others, be clear of what outcome you want. This is particularly of note in situations that are more emotive. There’s no point getting into arguments or other upsetting situations if you aren’t clear what you’re setting out to achieve in the first place.
Be clear on what the desired outcome is and that will help you stay focused on what is relevant. When things are emotional or difficult for us in some way, our communication often shows our inner world. Often this isn’t in the ways we intend. We may deal with being hurt by being angry and lashing out. We may not be comfortable with asserting ourselves and so instead become withdrawn and distant. By knowing ourselves and knowing what we’re trying to achieve we can be clearer and calmer and more focused on getting from A to B without the situation escalating.
Ask For What You Need
One of the simplest things to learn is to ask for what you need. Of course, as I said above, you need to know yourself AND know what outcome you want first to be able to do this.
A lot of situations however, are very straightforward. In my personal and professional life, I am always hearing about problems that could be resolved fairly easily if that person quite simply just asked for what they needed.
In relationships this is key. Games often get played out between people instead of there being clear communication. This isn’t because people are ‘bad’ or ‘mean’. It’s because we’ve all learned how to get our needs met from a very young age and often we don’t update those patterns as we grow older with all the new evidence of what actually works.
Rather than get into an argument with somebody that doesn’t resolve anything because everyone ends up feeling hurt and angry be clear and calm and ask for what you need. If you feel your partner doesn’t appreciate you, love you, show they care and so on think about what you would need to feel those things? What would need to be different? What would that picture look like? Figure that out and then instead of lashing out with emotionally driven statements like “You make me feel so unloved” or “You clearly don’t care about me”, instead say things like “I would feel really loved if on a Tuesday night you committed to quality time together and we had a date night” or “What I need from you is to be on time because this really matters to me”.
Clear communication allows for clear responses. It gives that person the chance to essentially say “Yes I can meet your needs” or “No, I cannot meet your needs”. There’s no confusion over what you need and then that person is either willing/able to meet them or they aren’t. At least then you know what you’re dealing with…for real!
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